Deep voiced Scary movie voice over guy: Deep in the heart of the Arizona desert, there is a place filled with the sick and the evil.
It is a place filled with Greed and Corruption, where good citizens are forced into selling away their very souls for fun and profit.
It is a festering pit of all that is wrong in the world, where the darkness comes to reap its eternal slumber.
It is…
CASINO DEL SOL, ARIZONA’S FINEST AND MOST AWESOME CASINO AND MUSIC HALL~!
WHERE TUCSON PLAYS!
[…]
(…The preceding commercial was paid for by Nextwave Inc. and has no authorization by Sol Casinos.)
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
Jesse James Dupree:
#I'm a lumberjack baby
I'm a lumberjack now baby
I'm a lumberjack baby
I'm a lumberjack baby
But I ain't jacked my lumber baby
Since my chain saw you!#[We open to a large open-air Amphitheater where Jesse James Dupree and the rest of JACKYL are rocking away on “The Lumberjack.†The camera pans to an area in the grass in the back, where we find Adrian Tanner Jr, Brandon Young and Cecil Kennedy, enjoying the show. Adrian and Cecil are wearing normal clothes while Brandon is decked out in torn blue jeans and a black Jackyl t-shirt.]
Brandon: DUDE! (talking over the song) DID I TELL YOU THIS WOULD RULE OR WHAT?!
Adrian: DUDE I ALREADY TOLD YOU! I LIKE JACKYL!
[Ironically enough, the band chooses that moment to end the song, so everyone around hears Adrian yell this.]
Band member: We like you too buddy!
[The crowd laughs as Adrian shakes his head.]
Adrian: Yeah so, I told you I like these guys, my question was “why are we here?â€
Cecil: Other than the southern-rock music, of course.
Adrian: Well yeah.
Brandon: Well, you said they had you facing Jackyl in that new fed, so I figured-
Adrian: Wait… What?
Brandon: Jackyl. You said that’s who you were facing at the next TGW show, right?
[Adrian stares at Brandon.]
Adrian: Brandon, WHY would I be wrestling a 90’s rock band in TGW? Does that make any sense to you?
Brandon: Well, no. But I mean, this place has chicks wrestling on half the roster, a mental patient believing he was Chad Allen, and well… Ruppy. I just didn’t want to put it past them, that’s all.
[Adrian continues to stare at his friend, dumbfounded.]
Cecil: ...I think I’m gonna go explore the casino a bit. Adrian, you wanna go?
[Adrian is still staring dumbfounded at Brandon. His muscles begin to twitch from trying to understand.]
Cecil: I’ll take that as a yes.
[Cecil grabs Adrian and drags him off out of the amphitheater. Brandon shrugs and turns back to the band. Cecil continues leading Adrian out of the amphitheater into the casino, and he finally comes to his senses.]
Adrian: Whoa.
Cecil: There you are.
Adrian: I just had the strangest dream.
Cecil: Really?
Adrian: I dreamed that Brandon brought us to a Jackyl concert at Casino Del Sol because… he… thought that I… was facing them in a…
[Adrian stops talking when he sees the big “Casino Del Sol†sign.]
Adrian: …It wasn’t a dream, was it?
Cecil: Nope. You kinda blacked out for a moment though.
Adrian: Yeah, sometimes I do that when confronted with large amounts of stupid.
[Cecil laughs and starts walking over to the quarter slots. Adrian follows him. Cecil sits down in front of an Indiana Jones slot machine.]
Cecil: You gonna play some?
Adrian: Eh, you know I don’t care for that crap.
[Adrian takes a seat next to his friend but does not play, instead watching Cecil play.]
Cecil: So who are you facing at the TGW show?
Adrian: “The Jackyl†Alex Cage.
…Hey wait; don’t I have a black sheep pariah brother named Alex Cage?
Cecil: “Kaige,†with a K. And an I.
Adrian: Oh, right.
…Waitaminute.
Cecil: What?
[Adrian glances off into space.]
Cecil: Uh oh, that’s your “Adrian glances off into space because he’s deducing some crazy scheme his opponent may or may not have hatched against him because he’s really some evil mastermind†look.
Adrian: …
Cecil: Cmon man.
Adrian: It was not! And we have been spending way too much time together. I was just thinking, this guy’s name is Alex Cage, right? My brother’s name is Alex Kaige. With a K, and an I. And this guy calls himself “The Jackyl,†right?
Cecil: …Right.
Adrian: Well, it’s obvious right?
Cecil: Not… really.
Adrian: C’MON MAN! Think! The Jackyl! Who was the Jackyl?! HE CREATED THE SPIDER-CLONE! In Spider-man! It makes perfect sense!
Cecil: It does?
Adrian: Of course! This guy cloned my brother Alex from me! And gave him his own name! And now he’s back to finish the job!
Cecil: Despite the fact that your Alex was born before you were, and also looks nothing like you, or this guy.
Adrian: Did the Clone-saga make sense?! NO! That doesn’t change that it happened and the Clone is established continuity.
Cecil: But that doesn’t explain anyth-
Adrian: Oh, I’m onto you, Jackyl! I see what your game is, now! You think you can just waltz into TGW-
Cecil: Uh, technically, he was here first.
Adrian: -and steal more of my DNA?! Not a chance! If anyone’s gonna clone the Best Light Heavyweight in the Business it’s gonna be ME-
[He glances around nervously.]
Adrian: …I mean, cloning is bad and illegal and I hate you for forcing me to live with a clone of myself with your name!
Cecil: Your ‘clone’ who’s two years older than you, looks nothing alike and is REMEMBERED BY YOUR OLDER BROTHER AS EXISTING BEFORE YOU.
Adrian: Don’t try to make sense of this joker’s master plan, Cecil!
Cecil: Oh I gave that up a while ago. How is this any dumber than Brandon’s ‘90’s rock ba-
Adrian: JACKYL! I will have your head for this injustice! The horrors you’ve inflicted upon the world with your cloning, the horror you inflicted upon ME with that abominable clone with your name… TGW will be your undoing! I swear by the Code of Raptor Jesus,
YOU!
WILL!
PAY!
[Adrian storms off, ready for the fight of his life with his arch-nemesis. Who may or may not be exactly who Adrian says he is.]
[Probably not, though.]
Cecil: Sigh…
[…Fade.]